2-3 minutes inside my head ~ yes I have an inner trialogue ~ it sounds like this
What is the crux of your discontent?
i am dissatisfied with my achievements or lack thereof.
That sense derives from your imagined perception of someone else’s concept of you, not your concept of yourself. Let it go.
ok. trying that. still dissatisfied.
I’ve been listening to the Staves on repeat for 24 hours now and this keeps leaping out:
“Why do you whisper when you need to shout?” from ‘Wisely and Slow’
i judge my voice to be worthy only of a whisper for many reasons. i hide myself for many reasons. i prefer to keep my circles and the sense of my world small.
I deeply dislike the ‘judgy’ bits of myself and would prefer the discipline of perception over judgement.
on a good day i sometimes manage this.
Maybe I’ll try talking at normal volume and see how that goes.
I should go buy that Sin Eater print. I should also buy a tattoo token and get it put permanently on myself.
when will it be possible to get tattoos again?
Who fucking knows.
While I’m at it I should definitely get that sleeve of all my favorite quotes as well and an eclipse across my knuckles and the three symbols from By Chance Or Providence on the back of my neck or behind an ear. And a pinguicula laueana flower with a bee on it and a swarm of bees wrapping to a hive that’s the foundation of a tower with a crescent moon hanging above it on my back.
if i sell all my possessions and live in my car i might be able to afford all that and continue giving to the causes i care about.
Reasonable.
I should devote myself to learning a new instrument.
yes but i can’t stand the terrible noises at the outset of the learning curve.
That shouldn’t stop me.
Yea I should do it anyway. Good for the mind.
Making a mental note that I might follow up on.
maybe i’ll just stick to singing. that used to be familiar and comforting and it would be a good straight line in.
I vehemently dislike straight lines.
that’s not actually true.
… Well I dislike them conceptually at the very least …
I wish I had taken in the lesson from Paul Atreides’s training session with Gurney Halleck at the outset of D U N E when I first began learning music as a discipline.
the bit about mood?
Yea that one.
“I am terminally afflicted with mood.”
mood is a luxury.
Agreed.
agreed.
Agreed.
I want to work for RoguePrintCo. They make me laugh constantly.
ditto that
…
…
Guess that’s right out.
Yep.
shit.
Thank you for being here
What follows is a little aggregate of people I’m reading things by or about and following (in the web way not the creeper way, sheesh.) and other bits and pieces I’m engaging ~
Melissa Madara ~ @Saint.Jayne on instagram
Taurin Clarke ~ artist who does a lot of cover work for comics and has the best insta and twitter handle @muaadib
Nicole Cardoza ~ yoga inspiration, general inspiration, general brilliance
Reading ~ a first edition copy of Zadie Smith’s White Teeth, In the Dust of this Planet (on a recommendation from Melissa), Fiddler’s Green 7
Copycat Killer EP ~ Phoebe Bridgers
Euphoria ~ This Is Not Season 2 ~ Jules
This fucking song (!!!)
a natural mirror 
wow, there is a lot this week, that may seem trite by me to try and respond, before I think about it some..i have a slow mind, but a thorough one…I am going to sit on this until I have thought about all of this some more….I like the idea of the three-way conversation…very clever…… Some of those shirts and sayings are pretty amazing..where do you see these?/ Maybe through some of your blogs? or people you follow?? there will be more coming regarding this post….. love you XXOO
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Well, this kind of leaves me as I felt after reading the last one you posted, where I think there is a lot going on. I love all of the rock similes…..and how they invade your consciousness. I always loved the shark rock too, but never imbued it with anything more than a clever someone’s artistic vision.
One comment about expectations….my personal experience meeting with a man a year ahead of me in High School, who was Mr. every thing…..played cello in the Marin Youth Orchestra, was a 6′ 4″ center on our HS Basketball team, and was all league, got at least a 4.0, ent to Harvard, and then Oxford, was Mr. Everything. We ran into each other when we were home from college at a pizza parlor, and talked. We were acquaintances, but not close, so this was amazing he was opening up to me about stuff over pizza. He said, that he was finally feeling liberated when he gave up trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations (real or imagined) rather than his own…. and that at this point he was finally following his own, and was happy. I may take a while to figure out your own expectations, but I discovered that for myself when I did my student teaching, after I had my degree, and was eligible for the draft, and on my last day of student teaching I realized that this might be the last time I will be up in front of class, and it made me cry, because for once I felt like what I was doing was important. Eventually the draft worry went away when Nixon canceled my induction date, as the V. War was winding down, so I started applying for jobs. The only other time like this was about music. I used to have such anxiety about tryouts that I was crippled as a horn player…… finally in my 50’s I stopped caring about what other people thought about my playing, and just did it…and my playing has gotten better and better….. creative not-giving a damn…… As for another part of what you wrote about….. I WAS bullied in HS…I kind of brought it on myself, which please ask me about it the next time we are together. But my junior year was pretty bad because of the bullying. Sooo all for now… love to you…..dad
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